More Substance Abuse by Athletes

The Dope on Runners

Athletics in the U.S. has recently been put under a microscope, and why not? Olympic runners accused of doping, baseball superstars telling all about their steroid use. Let’s face it, U.S. athletics has become as disgraceful as English football. Now, according to a study published in the reputable New England Journal of Medicine (NEJM), that jogger on your street may be the next bad role model for your kids. That’s because medical researchers have determined that 13% of all runners may be abusing a popular substance amongst athletes, called di-hydrogen monoxide.

Known by its street names, “splash” or “dihnamo” (pronounced “dy-nuh-mo”), this highly controlled substance is known to induce choking or even drowning in casual amounts. According the the NEJM report, “13 percent [of distance runners] probably consumed so much … that their blood salt levels fell dangerously low – a condition known as hyponatremia” [1]. According to news reports, abuse of dihnamo has resulted in the death of athletes. “One of the runners [in the 2002 Boston marathon], 28-year-old Cynthia Lucero, died of hyponatremia four miles from the finish line.”

What can I do about di-hydrogen monoxide?

First, warn your kids. Dihnamo is easily obtained from household supplies, and is present in many food items. Mixed with substances like Coca-cola or orange juice, it is nearly undetectable. Don’t be afraid to sit down with your kids and “teach them the facts about di-hydrogen monoxide”: It’s colorless, odorless, and easily taken by inhalation or digestion. Many of its effects on the human body, such as organs which are most sensistive to it, are unknown. Education is the first step toward solving this societal problem.

Set a good example for your kids, and others. If you’re a runner, it’s safe to use dihnamo in small amounts, but don’t go crazy. For God’s sake, we’ve got enough trouble with big name sports – we don’t need wholesome joggers falling into the pit of taking the easy way out with substance abuse.


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